Season 1 Ep 7 “Someone Always Has To Cry”

Before we start, I want to take a moment to address the Hills mac-daddy jam-ass bump of a theme song, Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten”.

Contrary to (Russ’s) popular belief, this is actually not the same as the Laguna Beach theme song. That was, in fact, Hillary Duff’s “Come Clean”.

Now which song actually amps its shit up, which song is in fact the epitome of the beautiful-dirty-rich kids that each precedes, is entirely up for debate. The fact of the matter is that each song contains similar themes—a return to a place of start, to a “beginning” as Duff puts it. A base, if you will. Each also contains a running desire for water, for cleanliness, for resolution/absolution. (Don’t worry, if you miss it both song videos are posted with lyrics.)

Fitting, then, isn’t it, that we’re expecting tension, drama and possibly a tumbling house of cards as we near the end of the 1st season with this, episode seven, titled “Someone Always Has To Cry"—emphasis ours, of course, for the concurrence of water/base emotion in the tears. Could this episode be the keystone of the first season, based on what we’ve established via theme songs JAMS? Let’s see.

Things are, per Lauren, “going great” with Lauren and Jason. It’s holiday break in Cali Cali, and Lauren’s buying Jason some super-classy black diamond dog tags. “Black Diamond Dog Tag”—is that a band?

And now there’s the obligatory scene where, because it’s Christmas (wtf are there no pretty rich Jews in Cali?), everyone has to sing “Deck The Halls”.

Quote Heidi: “it’s Christmas, somebody always has to cry.”

Oh, that prophetic little bitch.

Heidi always cries because she never gets what she wants…that is, all the attention.

THERE ARE NO WORDS, DEAR READER.

Heidi: “In LA, no one thinks it’s Christmas. I’ll be like ‘Merry Christmas!’ and people will be like ‘What?’”

Russ thinks the proper response is “If I don’t see you before Christmas, have a good one.”*

Heidi thinks the dog tags are good gifts for Jason. She asks Lauren what Lauren wants for Christmas. A book deal? Some blow? A boyfriend who isn’t the world’s biggest dick with the world’s smallest cock?

Nah. “Some stuff for the apartment.” That’s kinda like when dad buys mom a blender, isn’t it?


Heidi wants a “booby”? A “boopy”? Oh, a puppy. Speak King’s English, bitch.

Heidi calls this outfit “super cute midriff with mom jeans”

Now the gang, Heidi and Jordan and Lauren and Jason and probably some other dudes with names that start with “J”, are canoodling at what looks like a giant mall but is probably just downtown LA. LA’s just Vegas but with hotter girls, right?

Aww Jason and Lauren are making out. REMEMBER THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE.

Now they’re “going home to open presents” as the fountains ejacu erm  spurt up.

Lauren got Jason dog tags. She “designed them”. Jordan is “so jealous”. We are “so fucking sure.”



Lauren and Jason are getting Jordan “a tattoo”.

Heidi unwraps her gift to find a stuffed dog resembling Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell. Her exact response:

"I GOTTA DOG I’M REALLY LOUD HUH"

Lauren got a purse, squeals, god can we get to the part where someone cries.

Jason asks if everyone’s satified. HEIDI WANTED A FUCKING DOG AND LO AND BEHOLD JORDAN GOT HER A REAL FUCKING DOG.

This is a bad idea. Heidi can’t take care of a hairbrush and now she has a live animal depending on her. WORST IDEA EVER. WHERE THE FUCK WAS PETA DURING THIS? Heidi’s crying. Not as much as that dog should be.

R.I.P., puppy dog.


So now it’s New Years Eve plans, and the girls + boys are getting a limo and going to a club.

Uh-oh, Jason’s pissed that Lauren’s ex is a friend of hers and they talked on the phone. Oh, shit, it’s a shame Jason’s penis is so small.  Now he’s yelling at Lauren while she gets her hair did for NYE.

Heidi: “Did he just hang up on you?”

Lauren: “Yes.”

Heidi: “No he did not.”

Heidi’s explanation for why this shit happens:

"they’re boys."

Lauren:  “He gets mad about the dumbest things.”

Lauren’s never had a happy New Year.

Now everyone’s all purrty and IN DA CLUB and it’s a sea of bad white girl dancing. Jason wants to know if Lauren’s angry, she says she wants to have a good night. Jason, probably sober as he always is (that’s sarcasm! wow!), says he wants to talk about just “being close friends”.

ON NEW YEARS EVE.

Folks, if you break up with a girl like Lauren Fucking Conrad (TM) on New Years and want to “just be close friends”, you are…not…very…smart. Yeah.

Really, Jason? A pre-breakup on NYE? And then an “I love you”? Lauren, say it best:

Also…wasn’t that the whole start of the fight, that Lauren isn’t allowed to be close friends with an ex? Oh nevermind.

Yeah, we’re officially over Jason’s dipshit ass.

Annd Lauren’s outta there. Lauren and Heidi are getting a cab, and they’re gone. As LC’s nemisis Kristin once said, Lauren, herself, is “dunzo”.

And now, in the back of the cab, it’s Lauren herself who is crying. OH. SHIT.

Back at the club, Jason and Jordan are trying to figure out how to fix things with Lauren.  Jason calls Lauren, Heidi picks up and like a good girl friend she shields Lauren from Professor Von DoucheFuck’s call. And what we witness are the girls, in the back of the cab, on New Years Eve….

MAKING THE FUCK OUT!

Just kidding.  Jason and Jordan rush to meet Lauren and Heidi with flowers, and they make it with three minutes to spare. Really? Really? Ugh.

Predictions for next episode: Jason does something stupid. Jason does something like an asshole. Jason acts like a dick.  Puppy funeral.

*LESS THAN ZERO COME THE FUCK ON!

PS WHERE THE FUCK WERE AUDRINA AND WHITNEY? ANYONE? ANYONE?

PP the fuck S We used the f word a lot in this post. This is all Jason’s fault. All of it.

Season 1 Ep 6 “Boyfriends and Work Don’t Mix”

Boyfriends and Work Don’t Mix.

The most OBVIOUS TITLE EVER.

If this were Grey’s Anatomy, this episode would start with: “the thing about life is that you have to go to work.  And sometimes your boyfriends will expect you to not work.  Because they dont work.”  

Woah there, gender roles!

Heidi’s nightlife job turned out to be a 9-5 (you mean 9-6!) desk job…Ugh. 9-6. Remember working 9-5? Jesus, what a way to make a…yeah.

Oh with Heidi’s anniversary coming up! Wait, 6 months is not an anniversary. It’s a, oh, hey, happy 6 months. Let’s get dessert, an extra drink, take a cab home n fuck… not let’s make a BFD about it and make your friends care. Cuz… just no, ok.

They’re measuring the 6 months from when he officially asked her out. That’s a stretch, kids. Russ and Marley measure from the night Marley asked/demanded Russ to be her BF.  The first date was a while before that.

"I’ve never been with someone longer than this…" it’s like.. she’s 19.  That’s not so bad. Russ says 6 months ins’t a relationship.  Marley says, celebrate what you want, but don’t talk your blah blah blah. Like Ke$ha said.

Did Heidi get plastic surgery already? Her boobs are out of control!  Also, she means it’s 6 months since the first time they did it. It’s their anal-versary. Heyooo.

And now, Heidi is at work! (did they meet for breakfast? lunch?)

Did somebody say… CLUBS?! Heid’s so happy!  Oh em geeeee.  She’s so excited! Wait, if Heidi thinks it’s a good idea, it’s a bad idea.

 

Uh oh Wednesday is her anniversary but she is supposed to work it is just like last week when Lauren had to work Wednesday and it was Jason’s birthdayyyyy.

“I have to go out to dinner and go bowling with my bf”

“Ok ms I have a really big personal schedule”…daaaamn.  One date is a really big personal schedule? 

Damn, Heidi can’t win.  Even when she gets a break, she can’t get a break.

uh oh…Who’s stalking Lauren? Not ok!  Or… oh it’s the dude-guy and he shaved.

Jason is not doing so well at apologizing.  She has a test.  Just…guys.  Don’t surprise a girl on the street to have a serious talk.  Bad move.

This show should be called how not to date.  OR, how you date in LA.  Less than Zero and the Hills basically explain how to date in LA: do some coke have some sex fuckin’ in the mornin’ fuckin’ in the evenin’ then a sensible breakfast. 

Ok so Lauren has a test and she’s missing the briefing on the major fashion show—tsk tsk!

And Heidi’s learning that she’s going to 1, be working Wednesday on her anniversary and 2, will not go into the club AT ALL while she is working “in the club.”  So… it’s not going to be any fun.  For her. It’s going to be a riot for us, though!

Oh shit Lauren’s late and she got lectured!  Except it looks she and the guyface just woke up—we thought it was going to be like, 8:45. But it’s 2:30. in the AFTERNOON.  Uh. Right. Anyway.

Aw Heidi’s sad… and she invited her guy to her first night at work? Oh, baaad plan. 

Omg it’s fashion showwww and model isn’t there and they’re going to put WHITNEY in, not Lauren! Ohhh. But she is pretty.  Harsh tho because it’s Lauren’s show. 

And dinner is awkward but Heidi got a present.

Whitney’s going to walk for Jessica and that is LAST minute. And she’s not ready eee.

Oh man. Heidi’s actually gonna work! And she better not let the guys in if they don’t actually wait.

Waaaait a second. She went in the club and she’s cavorting with her BF?  “Yeah but we’re almost done!”  oh dear dear. And then her “ex-date” came by? Awesome.

Girls, know what I’m sayin?

Ok the jealous guys are jealoussss.  The blonde girls have the same squeaky voice. Wow. They’re all like the model slash actress in The Devil In You

Awww Whitney is so exciiiiteeed.  Ok we did not like her walk but Blaine and Lisa loved her…oh my my. 

"She totally sucked."  "Seriously"


 And we end with Heidi and Jordan are fighting at the end…and as much as Heidi annoys us, we think she’s right here.  He’s being ridic.  Again, “How Not to Date.”  This is what happens when you celebrate 6-month anniversaries, people.

We thought this only happened in the tabloids…

Predictions for next time: Heidi learns to love gainful employment, some dude steps to Lauren all “what yr man got ta do wit me”, Audrina’s ADORBS. 

The Hills S1E5 “Jason’s Birthday”

On Today’s WASP, we teach white girls pick out the prettiest golf clubs! 

Wednesday is Jason’s birthday! That’s a lot of pressure for our heroine LC (yeah, we’re calling her LC, we’re kicking it old-skool Laguna style so take that Easton Ellis). She can’t think of ANYTHING else to get Jason.  Seriously.  He only knows to give her flowers and she only knows to give him …golf stuff?  Yeah, this’ll last.

We don’t really know Audrina and Whitney yet which is sooo weird. And we’ve basically decided that we’re going to keep monitoring the status of these ancillary characters.

Sidenote as we watch the ads on mtv.com: remember when Claire Danes was edgy? Now she’s selling Latisse.  She has plastic face. Meh.

And, wise words from Whitney: “Jeans can be really addicting.” …um.  We know that Whitney has a fashion show now but…um…uh. Ok nevermind. She’s no Victor Ward. Moving on!

Lauren’s going to assist at a photohsoot. How many times can they say Wednesday in the span of 30 seconds… GO!

Lauren must choose!  Cool career or lame boy? 


Russ predicts: after season 1 of the hills, Lauren will have a bright future in social media.

Marley says: you’re joking, right? If anyone, Heidi will have a future in social media. Cuz that’s just like facebook n stuff, right?  Screwing around on the internet n… that kinda shit?

And now, girltalk in the pool.  Audrina looks like Tiffani-Amber Thiessan…Russ says she’s the kind of girl who’s not fat but who has a round enough face that she thinks she’s fat so you can boss her around a little.

Marley gives Russ the disgusted look.

Oh so Audrina and guy-face didn’t TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL…IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Oh well.  Oh these girls are so cute with their little escape plan.

Ok so Jason is now Lauren’s “boyfriend” again? That seems a bit…fast.  We don’t like this.

Also, do people in LA not work? Like, Lauren has to work on a Wednesday. Which is Jason’s birthday but more importantly, it is a Wednesday. That is a work/school day. Um… Jason… don’t be a di…oh too late.

And Audrina’s all cute n midriff showing (Russ’s note: see, she has the fat-girl face with the hot-girl body..this is a classic case!)… and her date called her baby.

Let’s check in on their convo:

 ”It was nice all day, did you go outside?”

"On my lunchbreak…"

"Oh that’s right, I apologize.  YOU WORK!”  He says. As if he’s not used to the women he’s dating actually working. He’s a model slash actor…or some shit…so whatever. 

Blue collar white lines=alternate name for this blog.  People not working and…coke.

Russ wishes that there was at least 1 girl on this show who bites her nails.

So this dude’s all  talking and brand new…oh FAKE TITS.  Whyyyy would you bring that up? Ever?

And then Audrina: “when was your last relationship?” GOAL!

Audrina FTW saying the food/boy is a little greasy. And is he eating a salad. He’s the bitch on the date.  Also …This salad’s like a party??

So wait, they just said that Brian doesn’t know Audrina was on a date and then Heidi immediately asks how the date went?  And Brian’s just chewin and listenin. And says enough already—good move Brian! WE’re proud of you. And we hope it works out for you and Audrina. Or something.

Lauren, organize the shoes by category! Steam the clothes! Get the models to sign stuff! Tell the contributor all about your golfclubs!

Again, welcome to the world of fashion—it will take up all your time. Remember what Easton Ellis said: the better you look the more you see. Or something.

So basically Jason’s going out, Lauren’s fading, and he pulls the “If you want to go home you can take my car.” OUUUCH.  Strike 1.5 (the .5 was the “you’re working on my birthdayyyy????”)

Yeah, Heidi’s the girl that relies on being cute. Not sexy. She’s not cute enough to be sexy. Trust us, there’s a math equation to it. We’ll figure it out.

Audrina could SO work at hooters. True.  Uh…Dudeguy just left and went to do blow in the bathroom (SO BEE!  ) and then started flirting with another girl and told her she could come home with him?  Wait, didn’t Lauren say she was just going home after dinner? So, going home with another girl without Lauren?  We’ll see strike 3 by the end of this episode. We KNEW he’d fuck this shit up.  Boys always think they can pick up right where they left off, minus their last fuckup. No. You can’t.  Dicks.

Look how you’ve made Lauren feel! Bad Jason!

Yeah, Heidi DID warn you.  Ohh Heidi is so maaaaad.  Lauren is disappointed and tired and cranky.  So she’s not going out and Jason’s all, “why you mad?”

Predictions for Ep 6: Awkward conversation between Lauren and Jason (boring but, lets just get this shit over with) Heidi will be cute-n-angry and we still wont get to know Whitney or Audrina.

Enough said. 

Enough said. 

Season 1 Ep 4 “Lauren and Jason Take Two”

In the recap Lauren rags on Heidi again… We wonder what she was thinking when she actually watched Heidi at work.  Probably shaking her head a la Brent Bolthouse when Heidi was all, “wait this is full time?” And we dont find out what happened with Audrina and Brian and that is a FAIL.

Heidi’s cure for hiccups is so Heidi. Aw. 

Lauren considers Heidi’s hiccup cure…

OMG who sent Lauren “a tree”?? Not so much flowers as a hotel lobby floral display. We think it’s the bo-oy… which is um, kinda weird.  But ok, we’ll go with it.

Marley doesn’t know any of the back story here but…she’s pretty sure this Jason character is no good.  Did he move to LA to follow LC?  Uh, awkward.

Also, when do we get to really meet Whitney already? oooh girl tawk! (Props for “walkin in LA” song) Ohh the backstory for LC and Jason…is goooood. Thanks Lauren & Whitney for a concise recap.

Watching Heidi at work … it’s like, real work!  Working in PR means not actually enjoying the party.  Remember that, people.

Later, Lauren’s getting all done up with pearls and a very Gossip-Girly headband for this date. What’s she tryin to pull?  She’s all grown up now and she hasn’t forgiven scruffy beach guy? Fair nuff.  Also props for her confronting him and telling him what’s what. But…a second chance for this guy? Come on. Live up to that twinset and move on.

At Heidi’s job, oooh party in Vegas at the Palms for the Bolthouse gang! “Heidi we’d take you to Vegas but you’re not 21.” OH SNAP.

And Jason brings Heidi flowers at work! Um…does he only have this 1 trick? Also, give a girl some space didn’t y’all just hang out last night? you’re not BF/GF again just like that. Lauren! Stop giving scruffy mcbeardface the time of day and give him a new razor instead.  Also if this is the highlight of their convo…bor-ing.

Blonde to blonde pep talk in the bathroom…c’mon Heidi. A little work wont kill ya.  Listen to the older more experienced blonde girl Heidi!

"Flowers mean I’m sorry and chocolates mean I love you," says Lauren. Hm.  Having not received much of either, we cannot verify, but we’re skeptical.  For us, flowers look and smell nice and chocolates make you fat.  So… there’s that.

Lauren thinks she has to give Jason another chance or else she’ll never knowwww… we are unimpressed and unmoved.  In fact, Russ says, IF I DONT SEE YOU BEFORE CHRISTMAS HAVE A GOOD ONE.*

And after work Lauren and Heidi have their girltalk by the pool which is strained because Heidi dropped out of school and Lauren is disappointed in her and doesn’t feel like they can relate to each other anymore since she is doing school plus an internship and Heidi can barely manage an assistant-to-the-first-assistant job.  She doesn’t say that, though. She says “There wasn’t anything to tell” and what she means is “leave me alone I dont know how I feel about this yet and I really don’t need you to butt in right now. Also you ARE going to get weird tan lines in that bathing suit.”  This is straight out of Less than Zero, no?

The next day at work Heidi forgets Brent’s juice in his lunch and she has to go get it.  Which leads to her feeling like she can’t take it anymore and wants to quit…oh no, dont go to the dumb lug boyfriend for help here!  He is useless! Just get Brent his green drink and get back to work.  C’mon.

And Lauren and Scruff-face go see a movie—3 hang-outs in 2 days? Too much, y’all.  But they have a genuine moment of laughing together and it’s sweet. 

Aw, maybe he deserves a second chance…

Uh oh, are we warming up to you, dude-guy? AND AT THE END OF THE DATE THERE IS A KISSSSSS!  And that’s why we watch reality tv. For the real kiss at the end of the date where they’re both thinking, should I? Should I…? And then they take a real risk and it’s not scripted and you dont have the rest of the relationship worked out but you take the chance and it’s…it’s aw. …we’re still ambivalent on the guy, especially with the beard, but I guess we’ll give them a second chance, too.

Predictions for episode 5: Heidi will try to quit, everyone will try to keep her from quitting, although, if she weren’t on TV, Bolthouse would just let her go because second assistants are a dime a dozen in LA.  Lauren will keep dating Jason but he’s going to do something to fuck it up and there’s gonna be dramzzzz and we’ll get a little sublplot with either Whitney or Audrina.  Please?  Sure, it’s only 20 minutes long but… this good girl bad girl schtick isn’t cutting it.

*Less than Zero. Obv.

The Hills Season 1 Ep 3 “An Unexpected Call”

Lauren’s recap of Ep 2 starts with Lauren ragging on Heidi…and we approve.  Tell us what she did to you, girl!  Oh ok fine move on to Audrina n some boy (bor-ing)…and back to Heidi with the kicker we LUV: “Now heidi was about to realize that her party job? might not be such a party afterall.” Oh. Shit.  You can see our recap here: A Change of Plans.

Quick aside: Um…y’all appear to live in a pink tower.  We dont know why we are surprised.  Mostly we didn’t realize you could literally live in a pink tower. We should have known.

Moving on.

Lauren is trying to be diplomatic when she sees Heidi being hopelessly naive…kind of adorable how clueless she is…wif her widdle 19-year-old cheeks n pre-plastic-surgery chin!

This is Heidi’s OMG-I-have-my-DREAM-JOB! face. *hearts*

 It’s just… we know the series is supposed to be about Lauren but for us the drama is watching Heidi devolve.  The Bret Easton Ellis parallels are stunning.  And sad.

"Always dress nicer than you think you should," advises Lauren. Truth.

Lauren’s drama is that she has to go to NYC to drop off a dress RIGHT NOW but she has a big school assignment due the next day! Oh noes!

And then, Brian-Jordan’s-Roommate visits Audrina at work and tells her she’s hotter than the Maxim models they’re shooting there…smooth!  And then he plays it cool n asks her out all adorable-like. Also she seems to work at a cool place doing a kind of boring job.  Heidi, take note.

Are you supposed to wear the designer of the show you’re attending?  Are they not namedropping a designer? hm.  Whatever we love Lauren’s pink suitcase and Heidi’s…is that jealousy?  Nah.  Next, Heidi and Audrina are in the pool and trash talkin “good guys.”  DO YOU HEAR THAT BRET EASTON ELLIS? And it looks like Audrina was an influence on Heidi dropping out: “If Audrina can do it I can do it.” Uh…Audrina is a receptionist. You are going to be a second assistant.  She’s already beating you at the work game, babe.

Heidi’s first day! She looks so professional. So… explaining the job makes it sound like…an internship. And it’s um, everyday? And sink or swim?  Awesome, we are so psyched for her. And her first task, much like Lauren’s, no wait, EXACTLY like Lauren’s, is to stuff envelopes!  With the interns, who…go FIDM, the school Heidi just dropped out of.  Ah the glamour of work. 

What, Schadenfreude is half of why we (educated working New Yorkers) watch this shit.

So Lauren has the dress and she’s at the Marc Jacobs show! Funsies! And…she’s going back to LA tonight!  Welcome to the world of (walk walk) fashion, baby.  Seriously though, what are her internship hours? Doesn’t she have a big school project? What’s she gonna dooooo?

Back in LA, not halfway through the work day, Heidi needs to talk to Brent because she didn’t realize the job was fulltime?  And she’s not in school so…um… oh this is so awkward. Oh Heidi, stop…. just…no one’s first day is good.  And stuffing envelopes is part of the game: “gotta crawl before you walk.”  BAM.  Oh MAN the looks the 2 bosses gave each other were PRICELESS.  And pretty much the looks Russ and Marley exchanged while watching this scene.

Aw, Audrina and Brian have a date and it’s cute! And Audrina admits to having blonde hair in her headshots.  We like the brunette.  Sets her apart.  Also, nice to know she has ambitions beyond receptionist.  Maybe those will rub off on Heidi, too? Nah.  ALSO, she let Brian in to her apartment but did he spend the night!? This is unresolved! We do not approve of this ambiguity. Not at all.

The next morning, Heidi explains to her boyf that her job is “Not 9 to 5, it’s 9 to 6, baby.”  We think it is supercute that she is eating cereal and watching tv in bed before work. And then at work she’s gotta schedule travel and get Brent a sandwich.

This is Heidi’s ”Sandwich” face.

Hey, Heidi, while you’re at it, we would like one too? K TX BAI.

And then Lauren gets back from LA, and she has a message from an ex, and immediately heads to class, possibly without that big project, oh dear. And Heidi is learning Outlook.  We can relate.  To both.

This episode is titled “An Unexpected Call” but it really buries the lead…unless the titular call is not the one from Lauren’s ex (18 minutes in!) but the one that sends her on a trip to NYC. 

Alternate title: “Working Girls.”  If only Brent could break his leg so Heidi could take over and really shine…

So much happened in 20 minutes! Luckily we can skip right to episode four on mtv.com. Holla!

Predictions for Episode 4: Lauren is going to try to prioritize school and keep Heidi from quitting her job; Heidi is going to want to quit her job; Brent is going to want more sandwiches; and we are going to find out whether Brian spent the night with Audrina, damnit.  Also, it’s freakin HOT in NYC so more shots of the girls cooling off in the pool, pls.

K TX BAI.

The Hills Season 1 Ep 2 “A Change Of Plans”

Last time, we predicted that, as a result of Heidi and not-Spencer (fuck IS her boyfriend’s name right now? Chuck? Charles? Paul? Bro? We’ll go with Bro)’s party-crashing ways, Lauren (née LC) might get a tentative wrist-slap from her boss Lisa Love (née Lisa Love…no, RILLY), but that she wouldn’t lose her Teen Vogue internship or her friends.

And we were right. Duh. At the start of Episode 2, “A Change Of Plans”, that’s exactly what happens: Lisa Love makes her case that she “doesn’t approve of alcohol abuse”, implores Lauren to “behave” while she, Love, is in NY for Fashion Week, and…that’s it.

Shit, we’ve gotten in more trouble for using the printer for personal reasons at work.

So then, later at home—Lauren explains to Heidi, using small simple words, and not naming names, that she got scolded because her friends crashed her work party and made a scene.  Heidi thinks it’s funny until it dawns on her that her friend and roomie may have gotten fired.  She wasn’t…she wont be.  It’s ok.

And then…bro time. With Bro and the bros. It’s like the worst band ever that already exists. While the bros brodown, we learn that that one dude wants to have a three-some with Lauren and Heidi. So much fake tan on the sheets though, guys. So. Much.

While Lauren is at work not being fired, Heidi wants to know why Audrina can’t hang out.  See…Audrina works from 9 to 6. Like, every day.  Including today. This is a concept which baffles Heidi. Yeah, us too. Why do we have to work, like, every day? It’s a fucking sham, man.

And then, the first day of fashion school!  Which, for Heidi and Lauren, can be boiled down to the following exchange:

Heidi: It’s bad that I’m already thinking about how I’m going to ditch class.
Lauren: You can’t ditch your first class, baby.
Heidi: Why?
Lauren: Why? Seriously?

We come to find out that Heidi ditched art class. Art class. The easy “A”. It’s like gym but with cocaine and press-on-nails COME ON. Lauren (and for the record Marley also) are all “SRSLY?”

All the kids and all the tans—read as, Audrina, Lauren ,Heidi and the gaggle of bros, including Bro— go to a club that night and Heidi gets an interview at some event-planning firm (Bolthouse, not to be confused with Bolthouse, and that’s way unfortunate for Heidi because carrot juice=RAD) and promptly decides to ditch school for this dream job.  For which she has not even interviewed.  All based on a late night bar chat at a club.  But “it’s like my dream job so…”  So.  she hasn’t even had the interview and she’s banking on getting the job and having it be her dream job and not needing school because of it.


Based on a late night conversation at a bar in a club.

Now, I don’t know how many of you out there have ever worked media, entertainment or events, but there are two functions for tanned blonde girls in that industry. One is as Queen Mother Fucking Bitch. These QMFBs run the shit, sign the checks, cut the throats, fuck the basketball players and make the bank. You only reach QMFB status, however, by being Another Thing To Step On for a very, very long time. Which is Heidi gonna be? Hmm…

Lauren explains this to Whitney at work.  We still don’t really know Whitney but she’s kinda cute and seems smart…at least on Lauren’s level of smart.   And then Lauren does her best Heidi impression which is both accurate and hilarious. GOLD!

It’s at this point that it’s worth noting that Lauren, amidst all the glitz and jewelry and skin and flashing (flashing) lights (lights lights lights) come across in this episode a lot like Clay in Less Than Zero. Sure, Clay’s doing the coke and engaging in the nihilism, but at the end of the day he’s the one all “yo, guys, maybe we shouldn’t do 8 grams and fuck this girl three ways and yeah, sometimes sleep can be awesome and I HAVE A FUCKING JOB HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS.” Lauren’s the same—she’s going to class, making good grades, her future’s so bright that…yeah, all that. 

Cut to Heidi’s interview with Brent Bolthouse. He has a tattoo… and he’s adorablllleeeee. 

"I’ll go the extra mile and I don’t give up easily and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done," she says. We have the feeling that these words MAY come back to haunt her when she finds out that work is like, work.

But Heidi convinces shaggy tattooed boss guy who decides to hire her as his SECOND ASSISTANT.  The assistant to the first assistant.  Dream job? Fuckyeahstuffingenvelopesdottumblrdotcom!

Heidi immediately calls Lauren:

Heidi: “I got a job!”
Lauren: “No, you didn’t.” 
Heidi: “Yeah I seriously got it!”

AND


Heidi: “and I get like a lunchbreak and stuff!  I’m only like 19 and I have my dream job”
Lauren: “A real lunch break?”

DAMN Lauren is en fuego!  Then she hangs up on Heidi instead of being supportive and Lauren and Whitney sing fashion school dropout while Heidi skips down the street.

So…what was Heidi hired to do, again?

Predictions for S1E3: Audrina will go on a date with a guy we dont care about; Heidi will learn that her dream job is actually work; Heidi may learn to spell “work” without using an “e”; Lauren will continue to go to school and do her internship and will be swept up in other people’s drama.

The Hills Season 1 Episode 1 “New City New Drama”

Here’s the thing about the first episode of The Hills: Lauren’s our very own sympathetic character. She moves from Laguna Beach to LA, “the city where they say dreams come true.”  Yes, that’s LA; New York is …where dreams are made (of)?  The point is she hasn’t gone far because we then hear a familiar…oh no wait, it’s exactly the same jam as we heard at the beginning of each memorable episode of Laguna Beach. Seriously, y’all?

After 10 seriously suspenseful minutes Lauren gets an internship at TeenVOGUE  and her boss is a 95-year-old scary wrinklepotamus (Lisa Love, not her real name…right?).  Meanwhile her best friend/roomie Heidi—AKA THAT Heidi, before she became THAT Heidi—has been chilin by the pool* and ends up being better friendsies with someone hotter than anyone else on the show thus far (AKA Audrina Patridge AKA hottie mc NOT A BLONDE).  Marley’s note: “Audrina” sounds glandular.  But it’s ok because Audrina was SURE Lauren will get the internship and she was right so she gets points for believing in Lauren when Heidi…was just being Heidi.

Then a bunch of attractive white people go to a bar and talk about what they consider “work” (hint, it is not actually work) and Lauren feels left out because even though she is on reality tv, she is trying to be a productive member of society…as much as one can when one lives in LA and wants to work in fashion.  And her friends just dont understand!

There’s a brief interlude wherein Lauren and Heidi demonstrate “good college interview” and “bad college interview” respectively…and we realize that for all her privilege Lauren is ambitious and endearing while Heidi says she wants to do PR, which, in her mind, means go to a lot of parties and be fahabulous.  Admissions counselor explains, no, actually, it doesn’t. 

Lauren’s first assignment as a TeenVOGUE intern is stuffing envelopes, but they’re for invitations being sent to celebrities so… the best kind of envelopes to stuff, right?  Then she gets asked to work at the Teen Choice Awards or whatever Teen Vogue is responsible for (wait it’s NOT the Teen Choice Awards?) with the 1 task: dont let people sit here.  Heidi shows up with the gang and plays the whole if-you’re-really-my-friend card in order to sneak in and then they promptly sit there.  And get loud and cause a scene.  Nice one, guys.  Ms. Love happens by… and everyone lets Lauren handle it without a word of apology.  And then, the scariest words a new hire can hear: “We’ll talk about it on Monday.” 

Dear Lauren, we are not fans of your friends.

Predictions for S1E2: Lauren will not lose her internship nor her loser friends and Heidi will still be waiting by the pool.  Also we’ll meet the boys of the Hills. Maybe.

*we almost called this blog “I’ll be by the pool if you need me.” Direct quote from S1E1, Heidi Montag. Truth.

Raising Hell

This is my article that inspired Imperial Hills in both concept and title.

Read it here. Fuck yeah front page. 

Why is this blog called Imperial Hills?

So back in June 2010, Russ was interviewing Bret Easton Ellis about Bret’s new book, Imperial Bedrooms.  It’s debaucherous and takes place in LA so naturally they started talking about The Hills. Russ had only ever seen the earlier, cuter version, Laguna Beach, and Bret insisted that Russ start watching the Hills.  Since everything in this modern day can and should be documented for mass consumption and enjoyment, Russ decided to create a blog chronicling the experience of watching The Hills with his girlfriend, Marley.

Marley had not seen Laguna Beach and was non plussed by Bret’s claim that they “need to watch The Hills.”  They watched two episodes together, just to see what they were in for…Marley insisted she could live without seeing any more episodes, ever. Nevertheless, she signed on because there was a blog and possible internt fame involved. 

Then, there came the question of what to call this blog. Ideas were thrown around: runtothehills, teenvogueandshit, slowly turning orange, Illbebythepool, AmericanHills, LessThanHills, and ImperialHills… Russ thought that was ”too BEE branded” but Marley insisted that Imperial Hills was the perfect title. Her email, to Russ, from June 3 “selling” him on Imperial Hills:

These teenagers have so much power just because they’re on TV.  And they didn’t even do anything to get on tv—they were just born at the right time, in the right place, knew the right people… and its ridiculous how much influence they have.  Lauren wears a sweatshirt, it sells out the next day.  I’m sure sales of Teen Vogue jumped when it was on the show (I’d LOVE to get numbers on that, actually).  Anyway. They’re royalty.  They’re everywhere in our pop culture and we don’t even know WHY thery’re famous. (“oh THAT’s Heidi?”). It’s celeb worship that just perpetuates itself as we see celebrities in the very first episode.  They don’t DO anything. They drop out of school and sit by the pool and get plastic surgery and drink and go to parties.  Also… it’s the second show in a series, a continuation, a legacy.
IMPERIAL.  
Plus, hills because it’s called The Hills.

Also, Imperial Bedrooms was coming out. So. That’s why.  If you have a better title, we’d love to hear it.  But that’s what we’re calling this little adventure.