Before we start, I want to take a moment to address the Hills mac-daddy jam-ass bump of a theme song, Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten”.
Contrary to (Russ’s) popular belief, this is actually not the same as the Laguna Beach theme song. That was, in fact, Hillary Duff’s “Come Clean”.
Now which song actually amps its shit up, which song is in fact the epitome of the beautiful-dirty-rich kids that each precedes, is entirely up for debate. The fact of the matter is that each song contains similar themes—a return to a place of start, to a “beginning” as Duff puts it. A base, if you will. Each also contains a running desire for water, for cleanliness, for resolution/absolution. (Don’t worry, if you miss it both song videos are posted with lyrics.)
Fitting, then, isn’t it, that we’re expecting tension, drama and possibly a tumbling house of cards as we near the end of the 1st season with this, episode seven, titled “Someone Always Has To Cry"—emphasis ours, of course, for the concurrence of water/base emotion in the tears. Could this episode be the keystone of the first season, based on what we’ve established via theme
songs JAMS? Let’s see.
Things are, per Lauren, “going great” with Lauren and Jason. It’s holiday break in Cali Cali, and Lauren’s buying Jason some super-classy black diamond dog tags. “Black Diamond Dog Tag”—is that a band?
And now there’s the obligatory scene where, because it’s Christmas (wtf are there no pretty rich Jews in Cali?), everyone has to sing “Deck The Halls”.
Quote Heidi: “it’s Christmas, somebody always has to cry.”
Oh, that prophetic little bitch.
Heidi always cries because she never gets what she wants…that is, all the attention.
THERE ARE NO WORDS, DEAR READER.
Heidi: “In LA, no one thinks it’s Christmas. I’ll be like ‘Merry Christmas!’ and people will be like ‘What?’”
Russ thinks the proper response is “If I don’t see you before Christmas, have a good one.”*
Heidi thinks the dog tags are good gifts for Jason. She asks Lauren what Lauren wants for Christmas. A book deal? Some blow? A boyfriend who isn’t the world’s biggest dick with the world’s smallest cock?
Nah. “Some stuff for the apartment.” That’s kinda like when dad buys mom a blender, isn’t it?
Heidi wants a “booby”? A “boopy”? Oh, a puppy. Speak King’s English, bitch.
Heidi calls this outfit “super cute midriff with mom jeans”
Now the gang, Heidi and Jordan and Lauren and Jason and probably some other dudes with names that start with “J”, are canoodling at what looks like a giant mall but is probably just downtown LA. LA’s just Vegas but with hotter girls, right?
Aww Jason and Lauren are making out. REMEMBER THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE.
Now they’re “going home to open presents” as the fountains ejacu erm spurt up.
Lauren got Jason dog tags. She “designed them”. Jordan is “so jealous”. We are “so fucking sure.”
Lauren and Jason are getting Jordan “a tattoo”.
Heidi unwraps her gift to find a stuffed dog resembling Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell. Her exact response:
"I GOTTA DOG I’M REALLY LOUD HUH"
Lauren got a purse, squeals, god can we get to the part where someone cries.
Jason asks if everyone’s satified. HEIDI WANTED A FUCKING DOG AND LO AND BEHOLD JORDAN GOT HER A REAL FUCKING DOG.
This is a bad idea. Heidi can’t take care of a hairbrush and now she has a live animal depending on her. WORST IDEA EVER. WHERE THE FUCK WAS PETA DURING THIS? Heidi’s crying. Not as much as that dog should be.
R.I.P., puppy dog.
So now it’s New Years Eve plans, and the girls + boys are getting a limo and going to a club.
Uh-oh, Jason’s pissed that Lauren’s ex is a friend of hers and they talked on the phone. Oh, shit, it’s a shame Jason’s penis is so small. Now he’s yelling at Lauren while she gets her hair did for NYE.
Heidi: “Did he just hang up on you?”
Heidi: “No he did not.”
Heidi’s explanation for why this shit happens:
Lauren: “He gets mad about the dumbest things.”
Lauren’s never had a happy New Year.
Now everyone’s all purrty and IN DA CLUB and it’s a sea of bad white girl dancing. Jason wants to know if Lauren’s angry, she says she wants to have a good night. Jason, probably sober as he always is (that’s sarcasm! wow!), says he wants to talk about just “being close friends”.
ON NEW YEARS EVE.
Folks, if you break up with a girl like Lauren Fucking Conrad (TM) on New Years and want to “just be close friends”, you are…not…very…smart. Yeah.
Really, Jason? A pre-breakup on NYE? And then an “I love you”? Lauren, say it best:
Also…wasn’t that the whole start of the fight, that Lauren isn’t allowed to be close friends with an ex? Oh nevermind.
Yeah, we’re officially over Jason’s dipshit ass.
Annd Lauren’s outta there. Lauren and Heidi are getting a cab, and they’re gone. As LC’s nemisis Kristin once said, Lauren, herself, is “dunzo”.
And now, in the back of the cab, it’s Lauren herself who is crying. OH. SHIT.
Back at the club, Jason and Jordan are trying to figure out how to fix things with Lauren. Jason calls Lauren, Heidi picks up and like a good girl friend she shields Lauren from Professor Von DoucheFuck’s call. And what we witness are the girls, in the back of the cab, on New Years Eve….
MAKING THE FUCK OUT!
Just kidding. Jason and Jordan rush to meet Lauren and Heidi with flowers, and they make it with three minutes to spare. Really? Really? Ugh.
Predictions for next episode: Jason does something stupid. Jason does something like an asshole. Jason acts like a dick. Puppy funeral.
*LESS THAN ZERO COME THE FUCK ON!
PS WHERE THE FUCK WERE AUDRINA AND WHITNEY? ANYONE? ANYONE?
PP the fuck S We used the f word a lot in this post. This is all Jason’s fault. All of it.