Before we start, I want to take a moment to address the Hills mac-daddy jam-ass bump of a theme song, Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten”.

Contrary to (Russ’s) popular belief, this is actually not the same as the Laguna Beach theme song. That was, in fact, Hillary Duff’s “Come Clean”.

Now which song actually amps its shit up, which song is in fact the epitome of the beautiful-dirty-rich kids that each precedes, is entirely up for debate. The fact of the matter is that each song contains similar themes—a return to a place of start, to a “beginning” as Duff puts it. A base, if you will. Each also contains a running desire for water, for cleanliness, for resolution/absolution. (Don’t worry, if you miss it both song videos are posted with lyrics.)

Fitting, then, isn’t it, that we’re expecting tension, drama and possibly a tumbling house of cards as we near the end of the 1st season with this, episode seven, titled “Someone Always Has To Cry“—emphasis ours, of course, for the concurrence of water/base emotion in the tears. Could this episode be the keystone of the first season, based on what we’ve established via theme songs JAMS? Let’s see.

Things are, per Lauren, “going great” with Lauren and Jason. It’s holiday break in Cali Cali, and Lauren’s buying Jason some super-classy black diamond dog tags. “Black Diamond Dog Tag”—is that a band?

And now there’s the obligatory scene where, because it’s Christmas (wtf are there no pretty rich Jews in Cali?), everyone has to sing “Deck The Halls”.

Quote Heidi: “it’s Christmas, somebody always has to cry.”

Oh, that prophetic little bitch.

Heidi always cries because she never gets what she wants…that is, all the attention.

THERE ARE NO WORDS, DEAR READER.

Heidi: “In LA, no one thinks it’s Christmas. I’ll be like ‘Merry Christmas!’ and people will be like ‘What?’”

Russ thinks the proper response is “If I don’t see you before Christmas, have a good one.”*

Heidi thinks the dog tags are good gifts for Jason. She asks Lauren what Lauren wants for Christmas. A book deal? Some blow? A boyfriend who isn’t the world’s biggest dick with the world’s smallest cock?

Nah. “Some stuff for the apartment.” That’s kinda like when dad buys mom a blender, isn’t it?

Heidi wants a “booby”? A “boopy”? Oh, a puppy. Speak King’s English, bitch.

Heidi calls this outfit “super cute midriff with mom jeans”

Now the gang, Heidi and Jordan and Lauren and Jason and probably some other dudes with names that start with “J”, are canoodling at what looks like a giant mall but is probably just downtown LA. LA’s just Vegas but with hotter girls, right?

Aww Jason and Lauren are making out. REMEMBER THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE.

Now they’re “going home to open presents” as the fountains ejacu erm  spurt up.

Lauren got Jason dog tags. She “designed them”. Jordan is “so jealous”. We are “so fucking sure.”

Lauren and Jason are getting Jordan “a tattoo”.

Heidi unwraps her gift to find a stuffed dog resembling Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell. Her exact response:

“I GOTTA DOG I’M REALLY LOUD HUH”

Lauren got a purse, squeals, god can we get to the part where someone cries.

Jason asks if everyone’s satified. HEIDI WANTED A FUCKING DOG AND LO AND BEHOLD JORDAN GOT HER A REAL FUCKING DOG.

This is a bad idea. Heidi can’t take care of a hairbrush and now she has a live animal depending on her. WORST IDEA EVER. WHERE THE FUCK WAS PETA DURING THIS? Heidi’s crying. Not as much as that dog should be.

R.I.P., puppy dog.


So now it’s New Years Eve plans, and the girls + boys are getting a limo and going to a club.

Uh-oh, Jason’s pissed that Lauren’s ex is a friend of hers and they talked on the phone. Oh, shit, it’s a shame Jason’s penis is so small.  Now he’s yelling at Lauren while she gets her hair did for NYE.

Heidi: “Did he just hang up on you?”

Lauren: “Yes.”

Heidi: “No he did not.”

Heidi’s explanation for why this shit happens:

“they’re boys.”

Lauren:  “He gets mad about the dumbest things.”

Lauren’s never had a happy New Year.

Now everyone’s all purrty and IN DA CLUB and it’s a sea of bad white girl dancing. Jason wants to know if Lauren’s angry, she says she wants to have a good night. Jason, probably sober as he always is (that’s sarcasm! wow!), says he wants to talk about just “being close friends”.

ON NEW YEARS EVE.

Folks, if you break up with a girl like Lauren Fucking Conrad (TM) on New Years and want to “just be close friends”, you are…not…very…smart. Yeah.

Really, Jason? A pre-breakup on NYE? And then an “I love you”? Lauren, say it best:

Also…wasn’t that the whole start of the fight, that Lauren isn’t allowed to be close friends with an ex? Oh nevermind.

Yeah, we’re officially over Jason’s dipshit ass.

Annd Lauren’s outta there. Lauren and Heidi are getting a cab, and they’re gone. As LC’s nemisis Kristin once said, Lauren, herself, is “dunzo”.

And now, in the back of the cab, it’s Lauren herself who is crying. OH. SHIT.

Back at the club, Jason and Jordan are trying to figure out how to fix things with Lauren.  Jason calls Lauren, Heidi picks up and like a good girl friend she shields Lauren from Professor Von DoucheFuck’s call. And what we witness are the girls, in the back of the cab, on New Years Eve….

MAKING THE FUCK OUT!

Just kidding.  Jason and Jordan rush to meet Lauren and Heidi with flowers, and they make it with three minutes to spare. Really? Really? Ugh.

Predictions for next episode: Jason does something stupid. Jason does something like an asshole. Jason acts like a dick.  Puppy funeral.

*LESS THAN ZERO COME THE FUCK ON!

PS WHERE THE FUCK WERE AUDRINA AND WHITNEY? ANYONE? ANYONE?

PP the fuck S We used the f word a lot in this post. This is all Jason’s fault. All of it.

On Today’s WASP, we teach white girls pick out the prettiest golf clubs! 

Wednesday is Jason’s birthday! That’s a lot of pressure for our heroine LC (yeah, we’re calling her LC, we’re kicking it old-skool Laguna style so take that Easton Ellis). She can’t think of ANYTHING else to get Jason.  Seriously.  He only knows to give her flowers and she only knows to give him …golf stuff?  Yeah, this’ll last.

We don’t really know Audrina and Whitney yet which is sooo weird. And we’ve basically decided that we’re going to keep monitoring the status of these ancillary characters.

Sidenote as we watch the ads on mtv.com: remember when Claire Danes was edgy? Now she’s selling Latisse.  She has plastic face. Meh.

And, wise words from Whitney: “Jeans can be really addicting.” …um.  We know that Whitney has a fashion show now but…um…uh. Ok nevermind. She’s no Victor Ward. Moving on!

Lauren’s going to assist at a photohsoot. How many times can they say Wednesday in the span of 30 seconds… GO!

Lauren must choose!  Cool career or lame boy? 

Russ predicts: after season 1 of the hills, Lauren will have a bright future in social media.

Marley says: you’re joking, right? If anyone, Heidi will have a future in social media. Cuz that’s just like facebook n stuff, right?  Screwing around on the internet n… that kinda shit?

And now, girltalk in the pool.  Audrina looks like Tiffani-Amber Thiessan…Russ says she’s the kind of girl who’s not fat but who has a round enough face that she thinks she’s fat so you can boss her around a little.

Marley gives Russ the disgusted look.

Oh so Audrina and guy-face didn’t TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL…IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Oh well.  Oh these girls are so cute with their little escape plan.

Ok so Jason is now Lauren’s “boyfriend” again? That seems a bit…fast.  We don’t like this.

Also, do people in LA not work? Like, Lauren has to work on a Wednesday. Which is Jason’s birthday but more importantly, it is a Wednesday. That is a work/school day. Um… Jason… don’t be a di…oh too late.

And Audrina’s all cute n midriff showing (Russ’s note: see, she has the fat-girl face with the hot-girl body..this is a classic case!)… and her date called her baby.

Let’s check in on their convo:

 ”It was nice all day, did you go outside?”

“On my lunchbreak…”

“Oh that’s right, I apologize.  YOU WORK!”  He says. As if he’s not used to the women he’s dating actually working. He’s a model slash actor…or some shit…so whatever. 

Blue collar white lines=alternate name for this blog.  People not working and…coke.

Russ wishes that there was at least 1 girl on this show who bites her nails.

So this dude’s all  talking and brand new…oh FAKE TITS.  Whyyyy would you bring that up? Ever?

And then Audrina: “when was your last relationship?” GOAL!

Audrina FTW saying the food/boy is a little greasy. And is he eating a salad. He’s the bitch on the date.  Also …This salad’s like a party??

So wait, they just said that Brian doesn’t know Audrina was on a date and then Heidi immediately asks how the date went?  And Brian’s just chewin and listenin. And says enough already—good move Brian! WE’re proud of you. And we hope it works out for you and Audrina. Or something.

Lauren, organize the shoes by category! Steam the clothes! Get the models to sign stuff! Tell the contributor all about your golfclubs!

Again, welcome to the world of fashion—it will take up all your time. Remember what Easton Ellis said: the better you look the more you see. Or something.

So basically Jason’s going out, Lauren’s fading, and he pulls the “If you want to go home you can take my car.” OUUUCH.  Strike 1.5 (the .5 was the “you’re working on my birthdayyyy????”)

Yeah, Heidi’s the girl that relies on being cute. Not sexy. She’s not cute enough to be sexy. Trust us, there’s a math equation to it. We’ll figure it out.

Audrina could SO work at hooters. True.  Uh…Dudeguy just left and went to do blow in the bathroom (SO BEE!  ) and then started flirting with another girl and told her she could come home with him?  Wait, didn’t Lauren say she was just going home after dinner? So, going home with another girl without Lauren?  We’ll see strike 3 by the end of this episode. We KNEW he’d fuck this shit up.  Boys always think they can pick up right where they left off, minus their last fuckup. No. You can’t.  Dicks.

Look how you’ve made Lauren feel! Bad Jason!

Yeah, Heidi DID warn you.  Ohh Heidi is so maaaaad.  Lauren is disappointed and tired and cranky.  So she’s not going out and Jason’s all, “why you mad?”

Predictions for Ep 6: Awkward conversation between Lauren and Jason (boring but, lets just get this shit over with) Heidi will be cute-n-angry and we still wont get to know Whitney or Audrina.

Last time, we predicted that, as a result of Heidi and not-Spencer (fuck IS her boyfriend’s name right now? Chuck? Charles? Paul? Bro? We’ll go with Bro)’s party-crashing ways, Lauren (née LC) might get a tentative wrist-slap from her boss Lisa Love (née Lisa Love…no, RILLY), but that she wouldn’t lose her Teen Vogue internship or her friends.

And we were right. Duh. At the start of Episode 2, “A Change Of Plans”, that’s exactly what happens: Lisa Love makes her case that she “doesn’t approve of alcohol abuse”, implores Lauren to “behave” while she, Love, is in NY for Fashion Week, and…that’s it.

Shit, we’ve gotten in more trouble for using the printer for personal reasons at work.

So then, later at home—Lauren explains to Heidi, using small simple words, and not naming names, that she got scolded because her friends crashed her work party and made a scene.  Heidi thinks it’s funny until it dawns on her that her friend and roomie may have gotten fired.  She wasn’t…she wont be.  It’s ok.

And then…bro time. With Bro and the bros. It’s like the worst band ever that already exists. While the bros brodown, we learn that that one dude wants to have a three-some with Lauren and Heidi. So much fake tan on the sheets though, guys. So. Much.

While Lauren is at work not being fired, Heidi wants to know why Audrina can’t hang out.  See…Audrina works from 9 to 6. Like, every day.  Including today. This is a concept which baffles Heidi. Yeah, us too. Why do we have to work, like, every day? It’s a fucking sham, man.

And then, the first day of fashion school!  Which, for Heidi and Lauren, can be boiled down to the following exchange:

Heidi: It’s bad that I’m already thinking about how I’m going to ditch class.
Lauren: You can’t ditch your first class, baby.
Heidi: Why?
Lauren: Why? Seriously?

We come to find out that Heidi ditched art class. Art class. The easy “A”. It’s like gym but with cocaine and press-on-nails COME ON. Lauren (and for the record Marley also) are all “SRSLY?”

All the kids and all the tans—read as, Audrina, Lauren ,Heidi and the gaggle of bros, including Bro— go to a club that night and Heidi gets an interview at some event-planning firm (Bolthouse, not to be confused with Bolthouse, and that’s way unfortunate for Heidi because carrot juice=RAD) and promptly decides to ditch school for this dream job.  For which she has not even interviewed.  All based on a late night bar chat at a club.  But “it’s like my dream job so…”  So.  she hasn’t even had the interview and she’s banking on getting the job and having it be her dream job and not needing school because of it.

Based on a late night conversation at a bar in a club.

Now, I don’t know how many of you out there have ever worked media, entertainment or events, but there are two functions for tanned blonde girls in that industry. One is as Queen Mother Fucking Bitch. These QMFBs run the shit, sign the checks, cut the throats, fuck the basketball players and make the bank. You only reach QMFB status, however, by being Another Thing To Step On for a very, very long time. Which is Heidi gonna be? Hmm…

Lauren explains this to Whitney at work.  We still don’t really know Whitney but she’s kinda cute and seems smart…at least on Lauren’s level of smart.   And then Lauren does her best Heidi impression which is both accurate and hilarious. GOLD!

It’s at this point that it’s worth noting that Lauren, amidst all the glitz and jewelry and skin and flashing (flashing) lights (lights lights lights) come across in this episode a lot like Clay in Less Than Zero. Sure, Clay’s doing the coke and engaging in the nihilism, but at the end of the day he’s the one all “yo, guys, maybe we shouldn’t do 8 grams and fuck this girl three ways and yeah, sometimes sleep can be awesome and I HAVE A FUCKING JOB HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS.” Lauren’s the same—she’s going to class, making good grades, her future’s so bright that…yeah, all that. 

Cut to Heidi’s interview with Brent Bolthouse. He has a tattoo… and he’s adorablllleeeee. 

“I’ll go the extra mile and I don’t give up easily and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done,” she says. We have the feeling that these words MAY come back to haunt her when she finds out that work is like, work.

But Heidi convinces shaggy tattooed boss guy who decides to hire her as his SECOND ASSISTANT.  The assistant to the first assistant.  Dream job? Fuckyeahstuffingenvelopesdottumblrdotcom!

Heidi immediately calls Lauren:

Heidi: “I got a job!”
Lauren: “No, you didn’t.” 
Heidi: “Yeah I seriously got it!”

AND

Heidi: “and I get like a lunchbreak and stuff!  I’m only like 19 and I have my dream job”
Lauren: “A real lunch break?”

DAMN Lauren is en fuego!  Then she hangs up on Heidi instead of being supportive and Lauren and Whitney sing fashion school dropout while Heidi skips down the street.

So…what was Heidi hired to do, again?

Predictions for S1E3: Audrina will go on a date with a guy we dont care about; Heidi will learn that her dream job is actually work; Heidi may learn to spell “work” without using an “e”; Lauren will continue to go to school and do her internship and will be swept up in other people’s drama.

This is my article that inspired Imperial Hills in both concept and title.

Read it here. Fuck yeah front page.